Thursday, April 23, 2009

The Girl in the Food-Safe Plastic (or Preferably Glass or Pyrex) Bubble

So, after, er... a year (?) of going hog-wild with chemicals, I've decided I need to renew my interest in Failsafe. A little. Nothing outrageous, or that involves me living in a Travolta-bubble, but I definitely need to rethink things a bit. The UVB light works great - I have no complaints. But lately, I've been eating like a regular person and well ... it has to stop. We all know I'm not a regular person. I don't even fall into the 'slightly odd' category. I'm a full-blown food eccentric. I'm also a weirdo in other ways, but that, my friend, is neither here, nor is it there. Or maybe it is there, but it's not for this blog post, boy-o. I've also put on weight in the past year, what with the stress of my parents getting sick and the reintroduction of carbage in my diet. My thunder thighs have suddenly become hurricane thighs.

So step one is giving up coffee, which you probably know I love. I've been a coffee fanatic since age 13 and especially so since my trip to El Salvador, two years ago. Well, that's going to have to stop. Well, it has stopped, in fact. As of 2 weeks ago. Go me! I don't even really miss it, as long as I get enough carbs in my diet. I think my coffee consumption was masking a lot of issues that VLC brought on. But there will be no more masking! Only revealing!

Speaking of low-carb dieting, I'm done with crazy crash diets and calorie-restriction, too. It's done me no favours. My poor poor metabolism is the equivalent to my childhood family car: a 1980 Volkswagen that my father used to call "the little yellow shit-box". How the hell we fit our chubby-assed, stubby, Scottish, four-person-family in that little car, I will never know. Thank God we all have ridiculously short legs. People are very spoiled these days with their monstrous SUVs, etc. Make them drive their kids around in the hot summer, in a cramped two-door with vinyl seats that sear the first layer of skin off the backs of your thighs, I say! But I digress...

Step two! Alcohol. Sure there are Failsafe boozes, but honestly, booze isn't something I do well in moderation. I've never been a one-drink woman. I'm my parents' child in this respect. I'm not an alcoholic, but I come from a long line of alcoholics (on both sides) and honestly, it's not something I should be doing every day. I'm not swearing off it entirely, forever, because that's not terribly realistic. But it will no longer be an everyday thing for me and not even a weekly thing. If I drink one evening a month, then fine.

Step three is the giving up the really obvious food offenders, like coconut and super-chemically veggies. I already don't do fruit, but I've been enjoying a lot of dark leafies and curries, etc. and I've noticed some hives popping up all over. No good. I need to cut down on these, at the very least and keep them to special occasions - not for everyday eating. So helloooo cabbage! I mean I love cabbage and everything, but come on. How much cabbage can a person eat over the course her life? A fucking lot, apparently.