Sunday, March 26, 2006

Carby Goodness

Is it strange that ever since I started failsafe, I have felt like eating carbs? I've not so much craved them the way I used to, but have just thought about them (a lot) and felt a weird fondness for them. I haven't really given in, but for some reason, I'm under the strange impression I can eat them if I really wanted to... even though I know deep down that I cannot. Could it be that most of the failsafe foods are carb explosions? No, I don't think so. Here's my theory:

When my body was full of chemicals and rotten amines, I was constantly depressed. Even when I thought I was happy, I wasn't really happy. I wasn't really myself. It was like the real me was looking down on this stranger who did and said and acted in ways that I would never really do. But I didn't really have any control over it. I just had to sit by and listen to her whine/bitch/moan/snap at people/cry. And I wanted to change things but couldn't.

Now that my body is somewhat 'cleared out' of all sorts of garbage, I feel so different. It's like a veil has been lifted from my eyes. I know this sounds corny, but I assure you - it's real. If anything, I'm sharper than usual. I'm smarter, quicker, notice things more, feel things more, like people more than I have in years. I feel good. Even when I'm a bit hypoglycemic and crabby, I'm still good underneath. I feel like the storm will pass.

And so we come to the carbs. Back when I was in my chemical cloud, along with the constant depression came a real sense of alienation from the rest of the world. Everyone else seemed so happy and normal and got along and I just didn't feel like one of them. I was on this low-carb diet so I couldn't eat like them and couldn't drink their booze or smoke their drugs and be like them. I was different.

Now I feel like I am one of them. I'm happy and normal and feeling fine. I can related to people again. So now, all of the sudden, some switch in my brain has gone off that makes me feel like I can eat like them. Hey, Annabelle, want some potato chips? Sure! Fruit? You bet - fruit's healthy, isn't it? A nice breakfast of waffles and maple syrup and fresh blueberries? Why not - everyone else is eating it. I'm just like them, right?

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