Sweet, sweet chocolatey Christmas

Yes, I ate crap over the holidays. Not such a huge deal, you would think, but now it I am trapped in a cycle of bad eating that I can't seem to completely get out of. YES AGAIN!

I've attempted on numerous occasions to get back onto my regimen (and even started working out again with a HIT routine, which is a huge step for me), but I keep caving in to cravings. The weird part is that I'm not caving in all the way - I'm just having small cheats. But the cheats are big enough to keep my weight way up and to keep me eating far too many calories. I gained 10 lbs over 1 week of bad eating and have only lost 2 of those pounds so far after over a week of attempted dieting.

You want to know the culprit? Chocolate. See, this is how I know that carbs are not the only issue with weight gain for me - food intolerance is also a big factor. I have only had an excess of maybe 15 or 20 grams of carbs in the last few days, but they have all been dark chocolate carbs and I am so utterly bloated, angry and fat that words cannot possibly describe it.

Chocolate is absolutely evil and I am in one of those phases where I feel like I can't possibly live without it. I need to detox badly. I have to go cold turkey. It's seriously like heroin. And I can't believe I let myself get caught up in eating it again!! I could kick myself. Now it'll take me a week just to get it out of my system and start eating and feeling like a normal human again.

Boy could I go for a dark chocolate Toblerone right about now...

Liver!

Foods Eaten: Clarified butter; lard; eggs; egg yolks; dark chocolate (only about 5 g); duck confit; pate de foie gras; celery; cashew (only 1)
Cal: 1685 Fat: 144 g Carbs: 17 g Fibre: 1 g Protein: 79 g
Weight: 155.5 lbs

My liver craving has culminated in me going to a very high-end butcher shop and buying some foie gras! Oh my God was it good. While I was there, I also picked up some confit (they had it prepared and packaged (ingredients: duck leg, duck fat, salt and pepper). I'm sure the pre-packaging meant a lot of amines and there was pepper in it, but it was so good and so 'optimally' perfect, I really couldn't give a crap. I'd do it again!

Speaking of not giving a crap, my sweetheart has been given a gift of a $200 dinner at the restaurant of his choice. It has had me torn, but it's not often that I get to splurge in an expensive restaurant... partially because of cost, but mostly because I can't bring myself to cheat on purpose! This way, it's like I'm being forced into it :) We've planned to go tomorrow night and I'm still debating whether I should go just say 'to hell with it' and really enjoy whatever I'd like (with wine, which will kill me, I'm sure), or if I should try to at least stick to an optimal style diet but just cave in a bit on the Failsafe part of things. It is a French restaurant, which means that I probably could stay optimal if I really really tried hard at it and avoided things on my plate.

This sort of thing is so hard for me. I'm a chef, for Christ's sake. Eating and food is the absolute utter love of my life. I want so badly to just enjoy a full meal, the way the chef intended it to be eaten. Honestly, I want to have the tasting menu, which is, apparently, incredible at this restaurant. But then it really is a crapshoot. You never know what you'll get. They also have - get this - a seven course dessert. Seven fucking courses. Oh. My. God. I want it!

Even though they're puitting themselves at risk for a host of diseases by eating carb-laden foods all the time and straining their bodies, I do envy runners. They have such a high metabolism that they can eat whatever they like in any amount and still stay so slim. I know several of them. They eat like pigs and drink their faces off on a daily basis but are almost underweight, simply because they are 'addicted' to running 10 km or more a day. I can't run for more than one minute straight. Maybe I'll eat the tasting menu tomorrow, then try to work out really hard the next day to make up for it? Ugh, that sounds horrible. I'll decide tomorrow.

Cravings

Foods Eaten: Egg yolks; eggs; clarified butter; lard; rice flour; lard; chicken stock; chicken; potatoes
Cal: 1438 Fat: 135 g Carb: 20 g Fibre: 1 g Protein: 38 g
Weight: 156 lbs

I've been craving liver lately. Part of me tells me that my body needs it, seeing as it contains so many vital nutrients. Unfortunately, it also contains amines. Not sure how to handle this one yet. I had some bone broth yesterday because I was craving that and so far I'm OK. Of course, amines usually take a day or two to have their effect on me. I just feel like it's so counter productive that some of the most nutrient-rich foods are full of amines. And pork? The most suitable meat for human consumption, in Dr. Jan Kwasniewski's opinion, but full of amines that make me cranky. Do I sacrifice my health for my emotional well-being?

In Optimal Nutrition Dr. K even recommends that meat should be aged well before eaten - preferably turning brown. Either that or pickled, cured or processed in some way. He doesn't say why specifically, but I'm sure it's to do with his theory (that he mentions elsewhere in the book) that one shouldn't waste the body's energy breaking down foods if one can do it in advance in the kitchen, which is why everything should be well cooked/processed before eating. And I have to agree with his logic. Why on earth wouldn't it make sense for humans to function well on aged or slightly rotting meat? In a natural setting, pre-dating refrigerators, there would be lots of instances when meat would have to be consumed in a less-than-fresh state, or would have to be preserved (dried, cured, pickled) in some way, rather than go bad. People have been eating that way for millennia. It seems odd that the human body would react so poorly to amines when it is likely that one would be eating amine-rich foods on a semi-frequent basis.

By the way, when I ate chocolate I had no real ill-effects, except my forehead broke out in a rash. I find the vast array of symptoms that all these food chemicals cause almost amusing. It's like a guessing game... trying to figure out what horrible thing will pop up from this food or that food. Either way, I've been very bad lately and I must get back on track. I've also decided to give up methyl donors for now. Something tells me they're not making a positive difference in me and the time when I felt best on Failsafe was before I reintroduced supplements. I will continue to take Vitamin C and my calcium/magnesium/vit. D supplement, due to the lack of dairy in my diet. I may also continue the selenium, zinc and manganese, but I haven't decided yet.

It has not escaped me...

... that the moment I started eating dairy again, my self-control went straight out the window. Chocolate?? I hadn't eaten chocolate in 2 months (which is a miracle in itself), but I started hoovering it down last night for little to no reason. I'm exhausted today. And cranky.

Foods Eaten: cashews; clarified butter; eggs; potatoes (with peel); egg yolk; butter (not clarified); potato chips (5); rice flour; maple syrup
Cal: 1768 Fat: 155 g Carb: 53 g Fibre: 3 g Protein: 47 g
Weight: 154.5 lbs

Yeah... I can't have dairy.

Foods Eaten: 6% fat sheep's milk yogurt; spelt biscotti (1 bite); cashews; chicken; potatoes; butter; hemp seeds; cabbage; chocolate truffles (2); 85% cocoa chocolate
Cal: 1824 Fat: 134 g Carb: 79 g Fibre: 12 g Protein: 84 g
Weight: 154 lbs

I think trial number three has confirmed it. No dairy for Annabelle. Stomach cramps, major biotchiness, increased hunger. Yeah, I think I'm done with it. I even tried full fat sheep's milk yogurt (with 6% fat and absolutely no additives) earlier today and ended up having to run to the toilet within about 3 hours of eating it. I'd even put up with the gastric distress, but the biotch part is totally unacceptable, seeing as I live with someone who is incredibly nice to me 99.9% of the time and being a c-word to him isn't exactly the best way to pay him back.

This is devastating on almost every level. I mean, I can do it. I've given up practically everything else, haven't I? It's not the giving up yet another thing... it's the fact that it's dairy. I love dairy. I absolutely love it. I dream about cream. I f*cking dream about it.

In other news, I have no idea what to eat anymore. I am so sick of chicken, cabbage, sprouts, eggs and green beans!! Lamb is never something I crave more than once or twice a month. I would love to just have a salad. Or a nice steak. Or a bunless burger with grilled peppers and asparagus on the side. Or a nice homemade soup with real bone stock. Or even tuna! Tuna, for Christ's sake! All the stuff I use to eat. Waaaaaaaaaaaah! In my desperate need for variety, I've found myself 'cheating' with foods that I know probably aren't failsafe. Hemp seeds? What on earth would possess me to eat them, if not desperation? I ate a bite of a lovely spiced biscotti today that was made with spelt flour. It was almost like the fact that it wasn't wheat was so encouraging for me that I decided to ignore that it also had cinnamon (and probably nutmeg and cloves), olive oil and walnuts in it. I'm thinking one bite won't make that bit of an impact, but I shouldn't be mucking around with that stuff either way. AAAARRRRRRRRRRR! Before, if I had a sweets craving, I would just have strawberries and whipped cream...

I just want to eat something comforting and familiar. In times like this, I use to turn to dairy - but now what? Here's praying I don't sit down to a massive bowl of steamed rice at midnight tonight.

So hungry

Foods Eaten Today: Eggs; clarified butter; potatoes; chicken; lard; green onions; cabbage; tiny bit of carrot (1 tsp.?); peeled pear; cashews; decaffeinated coffee (must stop drinking coffee!!!!)
Calories: 1784 Fat: 153 g Carb: 62 g Fibre: 13 g Protein: 50 g
Weight: 153.5 lbs

Foods Eaten Yesterday: Eggs; egg yolks; clarified butter; celery; cashews; non-dairy hemp ice cream; chicken fat; chicken; lard; green cabbage; tiny bit of carrot; decaffeinated coffee
Calories: 1556 Fat: 135 g Carb: 35 g Fibre: 9 g Protein: 56 g
Weight:154 lbs

I have been so hungry lately. It's out of control. I've been trying to reduce calories a bit, but it's not working - my hunger and cravings are insane. Now part of it may be from a new thing I tried yesterday - it was really strange and probably full of salicylates, but I was dying for dairy and had to have something to replace it. I tried this non-dairy hemp seed ice cream thing - no additives or flavourings, but hemp seeds may not be failsafe for all I know. I can't find any information on salicylate or amine levels. I do know that they have a good EFA balance. Anyway, I only had a very small portion but it was full of sugar, so that could have been the problem. I won't be making that mistake again, anyway. It tasted like ground-up hippies.

I must stop drinking decaf coffee. I'm totally addicted to it and I keep letting in creep into my diet because I convince myself that black decaf coffee "can't be that bad". It's probably contributing to my hunger too, for all I know.

Carby Goodness

Is it strange that ever since I started failsafe, I have felt like eating carbs? I've not so much craved them the way I used to, but have just thought about them (a lot) and felt a weird fondness for them. I haven't really given in, but for some reason, I'm under the strange impression I can eat them if I really wanted to... even though I know deep down that I cannot. Could it be that most of the failsafe foods are carb explosions? No, I don't think so. Here's my theory:

When my body was full of chemicals and rotten amines, I was constantly depressed. Even when I thought I was happy, I wasn't really happy. I wasn't really myself. It was like the real me was looking down on this stranger who did and said and acted in ways that I would never really do. But I didn't really have any control over it. I just had to sit by and listen to her whine/bitch/moan/snap at people/cry. And I wanted to change things but couldn't.

Now that my body is somewhat 'cleared out' of all sorts of garbage, I feel so different. It's like a veil has been lifted from my eyes. I know this sounds corny, but I assure you - it's real. If anything, I'm sharper than usual. I'm smarter, quicker, notice things more, feel things more, like people more than I have in years. I feel good. Even when I'm a bit hypoglycemic and crabby, I'm still good underneath. I feel like the storm will pass.

And so we come to the carbs. Back when I was in my chemical cloud, along with the constant depression came a real sense of alienation from the rest of the world. Everyone else seemed so happy and normal and got along and I just didn't feel like one of them. I was on this low-carb diet so I couldn't eat like them and couldn't drink their booze or smoke their drugs and be like them. I was different.

Now I feel like I am one of them. I'm happy and normal and feeling fine. I can related to people again. So now, all of the sudden, some switch in my brain has gone off that makes me feel like I can eat like them. Hey, Annabelle, want some potato chips? Sure! Fruit? You bet - fruit's healthy, isn't it? A nice breakfast of waffles and maple syrup and fresh blueberries? Why not - everyone else is eating it. I'm just like them, right?