Tuesday, April 11, 2006


Foods Eaten: Ascorbic acid; sodium bicarbonate; eggs; egg yolks; clarified butter; oats; cabbage; potato; zinc citrate; B12; B6; Folate; selenium; manganese
Calories: 1775 Fat: 174 g Carb: 20 g Fibre: 4 g Protein:43 g
Weight:155.5 lbs

I'm pretty sure I do things backwards. And I'm pretty sure that because of this, I have developed an unhealthy reliance on Fitday.

On Saturday, my computer broke. Turns out it was the motherboard. I went to turn it on to do something and the screen just remained black. This happened in the morning. It was at this point that I realised something about myself: I don't know how to eat anymore. I do not eat food, then record it in fitday to find out how much I've eaten, like most people would... I record foods in fitday - first - to equal my desired ratios for that day, then proceed to eat those things. It is really not a good way to do things... Because when your computer breaks, you're suddenly helpless and have no idea what to eat.

I don't know why I do this. Actually, yes I do. I have a large appetite, even now after being on ON for this long. It may just be that I don't trust myself since my binge disorder days and I'm scared of how much I'll eat. I don't feel I can properly judge when to say 'enough'. So, in order to prevent myself from overeating, I plan out my daily meals, make just enough to fill those needs and then eat it all. I never make enough to supply leftovers, unless I make a double-batch, in which case I divide the food exactly in half, using a scale, and then pack up the leftovers in advance so there's no chance I'll eat them. I don't remember what it's like to just eat until I'm satisfied without first knowing exactly how much I'm allowed to eat. These are obsessive eating disorder traits... I aware of that. I still carry those crazy qualities with me.

I'd see a dietitian about this problem, but unfortunately, most dietitians don't know nearly enough about nutrition to suit my needs. I'd see a psychiatrist, but I'm not sure that's the answer either. Most of them have been mistakenly taught, in the same way that dietitians and medical doctors have, that fat is bad, saturated fat is even worse and if I want to lose weight and avoid illness, I should eat a varied diet of complex, slow-release carbohydrates, lots of lean proteins and limit fat intake to less than 25% of total calories, but including lots of 'healthy' fats, from nuts and canola oil. How can you not eat any fat, but eat lots of healthy fat at the same time? Oh, and exercise for at least 30 minutes a day, while you're at it. Can you believe that malarchy? If that worked, I'd be a leggy supermodel by now. Unfortunately, I'm a stubby-legged, pot-bellied, paranoid lady who has to eat everything in a circle (I eat around the edges of everything, working in towards the centre and yes I KNOW THAT'S WEIRD! You can add that to my long list of food idiosyncrasies).

I'm not exactly sure how to deal with this. I've been like this since before ON and fitday, only I handled it differently. I just counted calories diligently and never allowed myself more than a certain number per meal. I would eyeball the calories (I became a walking calorie counter over time). The only problem is I don't like to eyeball calories, fat, protein and carbs and ratios, as it's much more difficult than just plain calories and I'm much more likely to make a mistake and eat too much. That's why Fitday was a Godsend for me - it did all that work for me!

But now I feel like I've crippled myself with Fitday. And I'm not sure how to bounce back, exactly...

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Blogger the witch said...

I eat around the edges of everything, working in towards the centre and yes I KNOW THAT'S WEIRD!

Heh heh heh. Do you cut everything up into little pieces first and put a little piece of each different thing on the same fork load? Squeeze garden peas out of their skins? Use your knife and fork backwards? Refuse to drink water with dust in it? I do! We're in the same club.

6:04 p.m.  
Blogger Mother Nuture said...

"Heh heh heh. Do you cut everything up into little pieces first and put a little piece of each different thing on the same fork load?" Yes... yes I do.

Also, I can't drink water that 'tastes funny', which is almost all tap water or water from a glass that's been washed in a dishwasher (I find it always ends up tasting like wet dog). Actually, that wet dog taste I find transfers to many foods from dishwasher-washed dishes. Weird!

I am accused of being one of those people who just never grew out of that "none of my foods can touch each other on the plate" stage in childhood!

11:36 a.m.  
Blogger Purple said...

You sound very much like me!! I've become a fitday addict.

10:13 a.m.  

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