Ahhh, back to normal

Foods Eaten: decaf coffee; cream; eggs; butter; Havarti cheese (organic); chicken; veal stock; duck fat; tiny bit of 85% chocolate (5 g)
Cal: 2218 Fat: 197 g Carb: 18 g Fibre: 1 g Protein: 92 g
Weight: 157 lbs

There's a relief in getting back to a routine. I do enjoy eating, but part of me really enjoys eating optimally. It makes me feel good and I'm really beginning to love and savour optimal foods. I crave fat. My calories have been a bit out of control lately, even while back on track, mostly because of all the carbs and food chemicals I've eaten this week. I've been starving today. I'm not even remotely surprised. I just have to flush my system out again and I'm sure everything will return to normal. Work has been stressful and new lately, so it has caused me to not be as diligent, eating-wise, but this must change. I can't keep screwing up - it's just going to make me sick.

Back on track?

Foods Eaten: Eggs; butter; egg yolks; organic 35% cream; decaf coffee; veal stock; chicken; duck fat
Cal: 2118 Fat: 189 g Carb: 30 g Fibre: 2 g Protein: 76 g
Weight: 157.5 lbs (and deservedly so)

Trying to get back on track. Seem to have done an OK job. Mood is stable - no big upsets.

Foods Eaten: instant decaf coffee; beef broth; chicken; duck fat; egg yolks; lard; coconut milk; vodka; gin; mojito (lime juice, sugar, rum, mint, soda water); potato chips; chocolate chip cookie; tortilla chips with chili, beans and tomatoes; sour cream
Cal: 3478 (is that even possible for one day?? I didn't even feel that full) Fat: 246 g Carb: 119 g Fibre: 16 g Protein: 113 g Alcohol: 47 g
Weight: 154 lbs

Went to a bowling party in the evening and ate what seemed to be not that much, but it added up to an incredible number of calories, according to fitday. Yikes!

Foods Eaten: decaf instant coffee; 35% cream; eggs; butter; chicken; potatoes; butter; sour cream; chives
Cal: 2042 Fat: 177 g Carbs: 37 g Fibre: 3 g Protein: 76 g
Weight:154 lbs

Honeymoon Period

Foods Eaten: Brie; butter; chicken; sour cream; chives; potatoes; 35 % cream; instant coffee; beef broth; egg yolks; duck fat
Cal: 1895 Fat: 173 g Carbs: 14 g Fibre: 0 g Protein: 74 g
Weight: 155 lbs

It seems to me that every diet has a honeymoon period. You start it... things go very well. You feel wonderful, your mood is stellar, your weight drops and then something happens. It either stops working, or works in reverse. I thought that Failsafe was the first diet that would escape this phenomenon, but I think it may be the same, in a way.

My mood improved so drastically when I first went on Failsafe. I had sunshiney, bird-chirpey, skipping through the park days. I was downright euphoric. I even dropped 5 lbs. But I've never re-captured those feelings that I had in the first weeks, even though my awareness of and attention to detail about amines and salicylates has gotten better since then. If anything, I'm more failsafe now than I was then. But no. I'm still my same old irritable self. Granted, I don't have the same number of fights with my partner and I'm not as bad as I was, but I am certainly nowhere near as happy as I was in the beginning. One may try to blame it on the cheese I've been eating (amines), but by no means in this a brand new phenomenon. I've just never been the same since those first weeks on the elimination diet.

You gotta wonder. Was all that some sort of psychological reaction to yet another diet? Was it some sort of euphoria resulting from detox? Is this another candida-style diet that makes one paranoid and question every little thing in one's life? Oh, I'm irritable... I must have been contaminated by something!! Maybe it was walking down the street next to someone wearing perfume. Or maybe the red pepper I accidentally touched at work did it! Pardon me for thinking that is just ridiculous. I can't live my life like that. I can't be that much of a weirdo. Even the most careful examinations of what I've eaten or drunk or even happened to have accidentally sniffed don't yield an obvious answer. I can't be a slave to salicylates and amines or allow myself to get snarly just because I may have walked through an air-freshened room. To me, it seems unreasonable that my body is so weak, inefficient and downright ill that it can't bounce back from a little whiff of something. If I were a wild animal, I would have been eaten by now out of sheer incompetence.

Don't get me wrong. Additives, chemicals, salicylates, amines... I don't intend on subjecting myself to them, if I can help it (particularly the additives and all the fake shit). But I do believe that the less you expose yourself to certain things, the more intolerant you become to them. I can't live in a bubble. I practically do live in a bubble already and I'm still not even close to 100%. I still have zero sex drive. None. I had one day about 2 weeks ago where I felt something but it was such a foreign feeling, I barely knew what to do with myself. And it has not returned since.

I do wonder if my emotional state is a result of something other than food and airborne chemicals. Otherwise, I should really feel great by now.

The honeymoon is over.

So far, so good (and a slight epiphany!)

Foods Eaten: instant decaf coffee; 35% cream (not organic); brie cheese; eggs; unsalted butter; egg yolks; lard; salted butter; veal stock; duck fat
Cal: 2038 Fat: 193 g Carb: 13 g Fibre: 0 g Protein: 65 g
Weight: 155.5 lbs

I don't want to jump the gun, but I seem to be doing ok with dairy so far, even with the Brie cheese I ate yesterday and again this morning. I had 2 ounces each time. I know amines take a while to kick in, but it's my hope that the very very low carbs will help with my irritability factor. I was a bit cranky last night, but I chalk it up to the fact that not only did I have to drive in traffic to the laundromat, where I did 2 large loads of laundry, but we're also experiencing a heat wave right now that has the humidex listing as 42 degrees Celsius, which, honestly, would make even the happiest person want to stomp all over a litter of fluffy little kittens. Did I mention that we only have a crappy fan and a 40-year old window air conditioner that makes a sound like a jet taking off and just pisses out warm air? Yeah.

So anyway, I'm actually in good spirits this morning, partially because this office building is air conditioned, if not overly so (I'm wearing a sweater right now and considering the weather outside, that is just plain obscene), and partially because I just feel good generally. It was nice having my little ice coffee with heavy cream and hunk of Brie cheese for breakfast this morning. I felt positively French.

I've been reading Homo Optimus (I've finished Optimal Nutrition) and it's funny... the more I read it, the more I want to just embrace it as a whole. That Kwasniewski really knows how to rally the troops. If you ignore all the crazy religious stuff, what he talks about is totally scientifically sound and is, refreshingly, backed up with copious amounts of actual research and not just regurgitated science-propaganda. It even has me questioning Failsafe, as according to Kwasniewski, the Optimal Diet should take care of everything... food intolerances, chemical pathways, hormones... the whole shebang.*

Honestly, most of what he recommends naturally excludes most salicylates, anyway. He doesn't recommend very many vegetables and the ones he does include in his recipes are generally pretty failsafe (cabbage, potatoes, etc.). The one place where he deviates madly from failsafe is with amines. He seems to favour the amine-iest meats, offal and cheeses. Easier to break down by the body or hazardous crazy-makers? I'm not sure. I'm thinking that within the walls of the optimal diet, your body should be able to handle amines way more efficiently because of the lack of chemicals and salicylates. We'll see. Perhaps I'll be able to handle amines much better now that I've cut out msg, preservatives, colours and most veggies.

The interesting thing that I've discovered is that I think that AHOA has something wrong when it comes to the 'weight loss' ratio. I kept reading on their site that for weight loss, one should reduce fat intake to 1.5 - 2 g per every gram of protein because the body will be aggressively burning off its own fat supply, which supplements the missing fat in the ratio. But now that I'm reading the book, that is not the end of it. It's not just as simple as a reduction of fat and certainly doesn't mean a reduction in calories. AHOA (and Kwasniewski) talks about how after the first stage of being on the diet that protein requirements will fall and one should only eat 0.7 g of protein per kg of ideal body weight. However, Kwasniewski also consistently talks about never having to count calories or anything - that one should only keep one's ratio in mind and that the human body will always know how much food is appropriate and one should just listen to the body. So the idea is that one should just adjust the ratio for each meal to reflect 0.7 : 3.5 : 0.8 (or, in effect, 1 : 3 to 5 : 1 to 1.2) and then one should just eat until one is satisfied, as often as one's body feels it's necessary. The same applies for the weight loss ratio. One should adjust the ratio to reflect 1 : 1.5 to 2 : 0.5 and then eat until satisfied. Not counting calories. I mean all you have to look at is the menus he has provided for his patients at Arkadia and you'll see that even his sick obese patients where not encouraged to cut calories in any way, even though they were probably barely moving and very fat with very low metabolisms.

So, this new weight loss ratio results in the stated reduction in fat and a slight reduction of carbohydrate, but also, it means an increase in protein. Kwasniewski says the quantity of food and calories should not decrease and that one should never be hungry, which definitely indicates an increase in protein if the fat is to be decreased. You can't force the 'lack of appetite' that supposedly comes along with ON, which is what I was trying to do. I kept hearing people say that eventually you won't need to eat more than once or twice a day and that protein should be kept at a minimum, so I kept trying to jump to that stage without actually being ready for it. My hunger never really dropped because I think I reduced protein and calories too quickly. I tried for the weight loss ratio and the reduced protein ratio (and then tried to reduce calories) all at the same time, which is ridiculous and nowhere is it stated in the books that you should do that. That is not Optimal Nutrition as Kwasniewski describes it. I think I was trying to be too efficient and ended up sabotaging myself.

Right now, I'm just trying to do it right. It's time I actually followed this diet properly, if I'm claiming to be on it. I always worried about not limiting calories because I've been concerned that my hunger will take over and I'll gain weight, but if Kwasniewski's right, I should be able to just listen to my body and will slowly lose the weight I need to lose. I'm trying to just stick to the proper 'weight loss' ratio - including the increased protein - and then eat as much as I feel I need. Last night I was feeling very hungry at around 9:30 or 10 pm and trying to resist eating, but then decided that I should just eat something - not enough to stuff myself, of course, but enough so that my thyroid didn't start to get sluggish from being hungry all the time.

We'll see. Too bad the books aren't a bit more detailed in that department - it would erase a hell of a lot of confusion. I think that Kwasniewski likes to be a bit mysterious, though. He likes the idea of people arguing over what they think he means by this or that, just like Rabbis argue over different parts of the Torah!

*Edited in January 2008 to add: Notice that I'm questioning Failsafe, feeling good on dairy and aminey foods all because it's in the middle of summer and I'm able to tolerate those things better!

Hypoglycemia and the Ketogenic Diet

Foods Eaten: egg yolks; clarified butter; lard; brie cheese; 35% cream; instant coffee; chicken stock; duck fat; chicken
Cal: 1951 Fat: 168 g Carb: 13 g Fibre: 0 g (wow, I think that's a first) Protein: 94 g
Weight: 156 lbs

It occurs to me that I don't think I've ever really successfully gotten into ketosis. I have bad breath almost all the time, (or at least I think I do - no one's ever complained, but I often have a stale taste in my mouth) so it's impossible for me to know whether it's ketones, or just bacteria. I ordered ketones strips online once, ages ago, and tried them and even when I was very very low carb, I never lost weight and the sticks never turned colour unless I hadn't eaten in hours and hours. I think I have a hard time getting into ketosis at all. I have no idea why. But I'm going to try again. This time with a higher level of fat and less protein than I've ever tried before, which may help my cause.

It also occurs to me that I've never trialled dairy in a ketotic state. Most of the symptoms I get from dairy are hypoglycemic ones (and the resulting irritability). I wonder if on a ketogenic diet I'd tolerate dairy better because my mood would be better and I'd be less likely to get all hypoglygemic and anxious. It's worth a try! I'll reintroduce full fat cream and cheese only, but no milk or half and half cream or lighter cheeses like cheddar. I hope it works, because it could mean I could have optimal ice cream again (with no sugar, of course... but still - yay!). Oh my GOD I hope it works. I miss cream!

Feeling OK

Foods Eaten: Egg yolks; eggs; clarified butter; lard; cashews; veal stock; duck fat; chicken; leeks
Cal: 1495 Fat: 129 g Carb: 15 g Fibre: 1 g Protein: 70 g
Weight: 156.5 lbs

Surprisingly I'm not in a bad mood. Considering all the crap I've been eating, I thought I'd be in hell by now, but today I was in a positive mood all day long. Yesterday, too. Strange!

Aftermath continued

Foods Eaten: egg yolks; clarified butter; regular butter; sushi rice (with sugar and vinegar); vegetable oil; salmon, raw; fatty tuna; raw; tobiko; mayonnaise; nori; yellowtail, raw
Cal: 1466 Fat: 81 g Carb: 134 g Fibre: 0 g Protein: 49 g
Weight:156 lbs

The avalanche continues, as well. Sushi for dinner. I avoided soy sauce, at least.

Aftermath

Foods Eaten: eggs; egg yolks; clarified butter; maple syrup; chicken; veal stock; duck fat; chicken wings; breaded and deep-fried versions of all the following: mushrooms, zucchini, jalapenos, mozzarella sticks; chocolate
Cal: 2470 Fat: 185 g Carb: 64 g Fibre: 5 g Protein: 141 g
Weight: 153.5 lbs

Ugh - slept horribly last night. Tossed and turned and felt a bit sick in the night (from the wine). Felt so full that I could barely stay asleep. I was also hot and uncomfortable. But boy was that meal gorgeous. It was almost worth the distress.

My mood was not so chipper today. Had a lovely picnic in the park with A. around noon, but while shopping for the food in the morning, almost had a bit of a meltdown due to the stress of the crowds.

On a really positive note, the indiscretions of last night seem to have lead to an avalanche of horrible eating. Tonight I went to a buck and doe for a friend and ate copious amounts of deep-fried breaded msg-laden junk. What was I thinking?? For foie gras, I'd risk it. For jalepeno poppers?? Whyyyyyy??!!

Just in time...

... for my pig-out, I've woken up and finally dropped a tiny bit of weight. Don't worry - I intend on putting it all back on tonight. I think I've decided to have the tasting menu, but avoid alcohol, which always seems to compound any eating indiscretions by 1000000%.

Foods Eaten: chicken with breading (probably containing msg) at work lunch; butter; potatoes; bottled salad dressing; mince; hemp seeds; cashews; raisin bread; pan-seared foie gras with pommegranate syrup; fennel and celery sorbet; black cod on brandade with beurre blanc; spinach; passion fruit bread pudding; chipotle ice cream; salted caramel mousse; chocolate cake; passion fruit panna cotta; banana chocolate bread pudding; grapefruit salad with sabayon; chocolate and rosewater creme brulee; half bottle of red wine

Cal: 2215 Fat: 127 g Carb: 133 g Fibre: 8 g Protein: 83 g Alcohol: 33 g
Weight: 154 lbs

Liver!

Foods Eaten: Clarified butter; lard; eggs; egg yolks; dark chocolate (only about 5 g); duck confit; pate de foie gras; celery; cashew (only 1)
Cal: 1685 Fat: 144 g Carbs: 17 g Fibre: 1 g Protein: 79 g
Weight: 155.5 lbs

My liver craving has culminated in me going to a very high-end butcher shop and buying some foie gras! Oh my God was it good. While I was there, I also picked up some confit (they had it prepared and packaged (ingredients: duck leg, duck fat, salt and pepper). I'm sure the pre-packaging meant a lot of amines and there was pepper in it, but it was so good and so 'optimally' perfect, I really couldn't give a crap. I'd do it again!

Speaking of not giving a crap, my sweetheart has been given a gift of a $200 dinner at the restaurant of his choice. It has had me torn, but it's not often that I get to splurge in an expensive restaurant... partially because of cost, but mostly because I can't bring myself to cheat on purpose! This way, it's like I'm being forced into it :) We've planned to go tomorrow night and I'm still debating whether I should go just say 'to hell with it' and really enjoy whatever I'd like (with wine, which will kill me, I'm sure), or if I should try to at least stick to an optimal style diet but just cave in a bit on the Failsafe part of things. It is a French restaurant, which means that I probably could stay optimal if I really really tried hard at it and avoided things on my plate.

This sort of thing is so hard for me. I'm a chef, for Christ's sake. Eating and food is the absolute utter love of my life. I want so badly to just enjoy a full meal, the way the chef intended it to be eaten. Honestly, I want to have the tasting menu, which is, apparently, incredible at this restaurant. But then it really is a crapshoot. You never know what you'll get. They also have - get this - a seven course dessert. Seven fucking courses. Oh. My. God. I want it!

Even though they're puitting themselves at risk for a host of diseases by eating carb-laden foods all the time and straining their bodies, I do envy runners. They have such a high metabolism that they can eat whatever they like in any amount and still stay so slim. I know several of them. They eat like pigs and drink their faces off on a daily basis but are almost underweight, simply because they are 'addicted' to running 10 km or more a day. I can't run for more than one minute straight. Maybe I'll eat the tasting menu tomorrow, then try to work out really hard the next day to make up for it? Ugh, that sounds horrible. I'll decide tomorrow.

Foods Eaten: Egg yolks; clarified butter; lard; potatoes
Cal: 1545 Fat: 132 g Carb: 47 g Fibre: 4 g Protein: 41 g
Weight: 156 lbs

Cravings

Foods Eaten: Egg yolks; eggs; clarified butter; lard; rice flour; lard; chicken stock; chicken; potatoes
Cal: 1438 Fat: 135 g Carb: 20 g Fibre: 1 g Protein: 38 g
Weight: 156 lbs

I've been craving liver lately. Part of me tells me that my body needs it, seeing as it contains so many vital nutrients. Unfortunately, it also contains amines. Not sure how to handle this one yet. I had some bone broth yesterday because I was craving that and so far I'm OK. Of course, amines usually take a day or two to have their effect on me. I just feel like it's so counter productive that some of the most nutrient-rich foods are full of amines. And pork? The most suitable meat for human consumption, in Dr. Jan Kwasniewski's opinion, but full of amines that make me cranky. Do I sacrifice my health for my emotional well-being?

In Optimal Nutrition Dr. K even recommends that meat should be aged well before eaten - preferably turning brown. Either that or pickled, cured or processed in some way. He doesn't say why specifically, but I'm sure it's to do with his theory (that he mentions elsewhere in the book) that one shouldn't waste the body's energy breaking down foods if one can do it in advance in the kitchen, which is why everything should be well cooked/processed before eating. And I have to agree with his logic. Why on earth wouldn't it make sense for humans to function well on aged or slightly rotting meat? In a natural setting, pre-dating refrigerators, there would be lots of instances when meat would have to be consumed in a less-than-fresh state, or would have to be preserved (dried, cured, pickled) in some way, rather than go bad. People have been eating that way for millennia. It seems odd that the human body would react so poorly to amines when it is likely that one would be eating amine-rich foods on a semi-frequent basis.

By the way, when I ate chocolate I had no real ill-effects, except my forehead broke out in a rash. I find the vast array of symptoms that all these food chemicals cause almost amusing. It's like a guessing game... trying to figure out what horrible thing will pop up from this food or that food. Either way, I've been very bad lately and I must get back on track. I've also decided to give up methyl donors for now. Something tells me they're not making a positive difference in me and the time when I felt best on Failsafe was before I reintroduced supplements. I will continue to take Vitamin C and my calcium/magnesium/vit. D supplement, due to the lack of dairy in my diet. I may also continue the selenium, zinc and manganese, but I haven't decided yet.

Feeling Better

Foods Eaten: Egg yolks; clarified butter; rice flour; egg; maple syrup; potatoes; cashews; beef bone stock; green beans; cabbage; carrot; sunflower oil; plain unglazed doughnut; toffee
Cal: 2321 Fat: 190 g Carb: 111 g Fibre: 12 g Protein: 57 g
Weight 154 lbs


My attitude is definitely improving. Must be all the carbs.

Craptastic

Foods Eaten: egg yolks; potatoes; clarified butter; rice flour; plain unglazed doughnut; gin
Cal: 1799 Fat: 127 g Carb: 99 g Fibre: 7 g Protein: 33 g
Weight: 155 lbs

All my indiscretions are catching up with me now. I feel totally depressed. Last night I had quite possibly the biggest fight ever with my partner (for stupid reasons, of course). I'm also gaining weight, despite totally reasonable calories. Really smart on your only long weekend in ages, Annabelle. Way to enjoy your time off. Well done.

I need to just recharge and enjoy this weekend. And if that means relaxing a bit about this stupid diet, then so be it.

It has not escaped me...

... that the moment I started eating dairy again, my self-control went straight out the window. Chocolate?? I hadn't eaten chocolate in 2 months (which is a miracle in itself), but I started hoovering it down last night for little to no reason. I'm exhausted today. And cranky.

Foods Eaten: cashews; clarified butter; eggs; potatoes (with peel); egg yolk; butter (not clarified); potato chips (5); rice flour; maple syrup
Cal: 1768 Fat: 155 g Carb: 53 g Fibre: 3 g Protein: 47 g
Weight: 154.5 lbs

Yeah... I can't have dairy.

Foods Eaten: 6% fat sheep's milk yogurt; spelt biscotti (1 bite); cashews; chicken; potatoes; butter; hemp seeds; cabbage; chocolate truffles (2); 85% cocoa chocolate
Cal: 1824 Fat: 134 g Carb: 79 g Fibre: 12 g Protein: 84 g
Weight: 154 lbs

I think trial number three has confirmed it. No dairy for Annabelle. Stomach cramps, major biotchiness, increased hunger. Yeah, I think I'm done with it. I even tried full fat sheep's milk yogurt (with 6% fat and absolutely no additives) earlier today and ended up having to run to the toilet within about 3 hours of eating it. I'd even put up with the gastric distress, but the biotch part is totally unacceptable, seeing as I live with someone who is incredibly nice to me 99.9% of the time and being a c-word to him isn't exactly the best way to pay him back.

This is devastating on almost every level. I mean, I can do it. I've given up practically everything else, haven't I? It's not the giving up yet another thing... it's the fact that it's dairy. I love dairy. I absolutely love it. I dream about cream. I f*cking dream about it.

In other news, I have no idea what to eat anymore. I am so sick of chicken, cabbage, sprouts, eggs and green beans!! Lamb is never something I crave more than once or twice a month. I would love to just have a salad. Or a nice steak. Or a bunless burger with grilled peppers and asparagus on the side. Or a nice homemade soup with real bone stock. Or even tuna! Tuna, for Christ's sake! All the stuff I use to eat. Waaaaaaaaaaaah! In my desperate need for variety, I've found myself 'cheating' with foods that I know probably aren't failsafe. Hemp seeds? What on earth would possess me to eat them, if not desperation? I ate a bite of a lovely spiced biscotti today that was made with spelt flour. It was almost like the fact that it wasn't wheat was so encouraging for me that I decided to ignore that it also had cinnamon (and probably nutmeg and cloves), olive oil and walnuts in it. I'm thinking one bite won't make that bit of an impact, but I shouldn't be mucking around with that stuff either way. AAAARRRRRRRRRRR! Before, if I had a sweets craving, I would just have strawberries and whipped cream...

I just want to eat something comforting and familiar. In times like this, I use to turn to dairy - but now what? Here's praying I don't sit down to a massive bowl of steamed rice at midnight tonight.

Foods Eaten: Cabbage; clarified butter; eggs; chicken; green beans; 3.8% cow's milk yogurt; creme fraiche
Cal: 1492 Fat: 126 g Carb: 32 g Fibre: 4 g Protein: 61 g
Weight: 154.5 lbs

Foods Eaten: cashews; eggs; clarif. butter; green beans; chicken; creme fraiche; full fat yogurt
Cal: 1425 Fat: 115 g Carb: 36 g Fibre: 4 g Protein: 65 g
Weight: 154.5 lbs

Spontaneously decided to do yet another dairy trial, this time with fermented dairy only. For some reason I just refuse to believe that I can't have dairy. Had some gastric upset just after eating it, but that could have been brought on psychologically. Otherwise, fine, so far.