Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Weight

Foods Eaten: Potatoes; clarified butter; eggs; egg yolks; Brussels sprouts; chicken (with skin - eep!); chicken fat
Calories: 1492 Fat: 127 g Carb: 43 g Fibre: 8 g Protein: 54 g
Weight: 153.5 lbs

I have never known what it's like to be slim.

Well, that's not true. I have a vague recollection of being pretty normal between the ages of 0 and 4. But even then, I remember my parents talking, disapprovingly, about what a gigantic appetite I had and my mother forcing skim milk (not 2%, but zero fat skim milk) on me and my brother and never allowing me to put butter or sugar on anything because I'd "get fat". Or demands that I make sure to leave some food on my plate 'for Miss Manners'. She even had a little doll that she called 'Miss Manners' and she'd put in on the dinner table next to my plate. It was a little plush red devil-shaped pin cushion with long hair, long eyelashes and a pitch fork. How strangely appropriate. My mum had been a chubby child (and suffered from eating disorders all her life) and there was no way she would end up with fat children. Nice try, Mum. Both of your kids ended up, not just chubby, but obese by early teenage-hood. I love my mother dearly, but if you're interested in f**king up your child, that's a really good way to go about it.

And for a long time, I resented all of that. I still do really. But I especially resented, not my parents, but the fact that I never got to enjoy a 'young' body. You know... tight elastic skin, perky breasts, slim smooth thighs and bum. My body looked like a 50 year-old's when I was 15. And then when I lost weight, things didn't improve all that much. I was blessed with big honking chunks of loose hanging skin. My skin has improved with time as my body has adjusted to the new weight and it's definitely improved since going on ON and supplying my body with the appropriate amount of fat to 'bounce back', if you will. I actually spent money on a personal trainer for just under a year in the hopes that constant exercise and resistance training would cure my loose skin, but nope. I may as well have saved my money.

I do find when my weight drops to about 145 lbs, my cellulite on my thighs starts to diminish a bit, so I do have hope that my body still has the potential to bounce back. I mean I'm only 28 for Christ's sake - I should still have plenty of tone to my skin. More recently, I took to drinking bone broths to try and get some more collagen in my diet in the hopes that it might improve my skin tone, but I had to give them up when I started trying to avoid amines... I can only imagine how full of amines (not to mention free glutamates) a beef or chicken stock would be, considering it cooks for 10 hours.

I shouldn't give up on my ability to lose weight, but I know a lot of people, if they had never had the chance to feel slim, would lose faith that they're actually capable of getting there. I do question it. I wonder if I'm meant to be overweight forever - if there's something written into my DNA and something... something... be it food intolerance, or my thyroid, or my hormones will always stand in the way of my being slim. Like an internal saboteur of some kind. I refuse to buy into what everyone keeps saying - "You're slim already! Don't be so hard on yourself! You've already lost so much weight! Just eat the ice cream/muffin/double chocolate sundae! You don't need to lose anymore weight! Not everyone is meant to be 120 lbs. Maybe you're meant to be a bit curvier. You look fine.

I don't want to look fine. I want to look great. If I were 10 lbs overweight, I'd understand. But according to the BMI charts, I'm not even within normal range. I'm overweight, plain and simple. There's no reason why I should have to settle for being overweight. Sure I'm not obese, but I am over 150 lbs and only 5"4'!! And meanwhile, the people who are saying all this are not overweight. In fact, they talk about being overweight or having gained weight or needing to lose weight all the time. Why the hell is it OK for me to be fat and not them? People are so ridiculous, sometimes. I just want to look like a 28 year-old - is that so much to ask?

This sounds whiney, I know. Apologies. Go ahead! Say it! "Annabelle... Life isn't fair!".

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