So far, so good (and a slight epiphany!)

Foods Eaten: instant decaf coffee; 35% cream (not organic); brie cheese; eggs; unsalted butter; egg yolks; lard; salted butter; veal stock; duck fat
Cal: 2038 Fat: 193 g Carb: 13 g Fibre: 0 g Protein: 65 g
Weight: 155.5 lbs

I don't want to jump the gun, but I seem to be doing ok with dairy so far, even with the Brie cheese I ate yesterday and again this morning. I had 2 ounces each time. I know amines take a while to kick in, but it's my hope that the very very low carbs will help with my irritability factor. I was a bit cranky last night, but I chalk it up to the fact that not only did I have to drive in traffic to the laundromat, where I did 2 large loads of laundry, but we're also experiencing a heat wave right now that has the humidex listing as 42 degrees Celsius, which, honestly, would make even the happiest person want to stomp all over a litter of fluffy little kittens. Did I mention that we only have a crappy fan and a 40-year old window air conditioner that makes a sound like a jet taking off and just pisses out warm air? Yeah.

So anyway, I'm actually in good spirits this morning, partially because this office building is air conditioned, if not overly so (I'm wearing a sweater right now and considering the weather outside, that is just plain obscene), and partially because I just feel good generally. It was nice having my little ice coffee with heavy cream and hunk of Brie cheese for breakfast this morning. I felt positively French.

I've been reading Homo Optimus (I've finished Optimal Nutrition) and it's funny... the more I read it, the more I want to just embrace it as a whole. That Kwasniewski really knows how to rally the troops. If you ignore all the crazy religious stuff, what he talks about is totally scientifically sound and is, refreshingly, backed up with copious amounts of actual research and not just regurgitated science-propaganda. It even has me questioning Failsafe, as according to Kwasniewski, the Optimal Diet should take care of everything... food intolerances, chemical pathways, hormones... the whole shebang.*

Honestly, most of what he recommends naturally excludes most salicylates, anyway. He doesn't recommend very many vegetables and the ones he does include in his recipes are generally pretty failsafe (cabbage, potatoes, etc.). The one place where he deviates madly from failsafe is with amines. He seems to favour the amine-iest meats, offal and cheeses. Easier to break down by the body or hazardous crazy-makers? I'm not sure. I'm thinking that within the walls of the optimal diet, your body should be able to handle amines way more efficiently because of the lack of chemicals and salicylates. We'll see. Perhaps I'll be able to handle amines much better now that I've cut out msg, preservatives, colours and most veggies.

The interesting thing that I've discovered is that I think that AHOA has something wrong when it comes to the 'weight loss' ratio. I kept reading on their site that for weight loss, one should reduce fat intake to 1.5 - 2 g per every gram of protein because the body will be aggressively burning off its own fat supply, which supplements the missing fat in the ratio. But now that I'm reading the book, that is not the end of it. It's not just as simple as a reduction of fat and certainly doesn't mean a reduction in calories. AHOA (and Kwasniewski) talks about how after the first stage of being on the diet that protein requirements will fall and one should only eat 0.7 g of protein per kg of ideal body weight. However, Kwasniewski also consistently talks about never having to count calories or anything - that one should only keep one's ratio in mind and that the human body will always know how much food is appropriate and one should just listen to the body. So the idea is that one should just adjust the ratio for each meal to reflect 0.7 : 3.5 : 0.8 (or, in effect, 1 : 3 to 5 : 1 to 1.2) and then one should just eat until one is satisfied, as often as one's body feels it's necessary. The same applies for the weight loss ratio. One should adjust the ratio to reflect 1 : 1.5 to 2 : 0.5 and then eat until satisfied. Not counting calories. I mean all you have to look at is the menus he has provided for his patients at Arkadia and you'll see that even his sick obese patients where not encouraged to cut calories in any way, even though they were probably barely moving and very fat with very low metabolisms.

So, this new weight loss ratio results in the stated reduction in fat and a slight reduction of carbohydrate, but also, it means an increase in protein. Kwasniewski says the quantity of food and calories should not decrease and that one should never be hungry, which definitely indicates an increase in protein if the fat is to be decreased. You can't force the 'lack of appetite' that supposedly comes along with ON, which is what I was trying to do. I kept hearing people say that eventually you won't need to eat more than once or twice a day and that protein should be kept at a minimum, so I kept trying to jump to that stage without actually being ready for it. My hunger never really dropped because I think I reduced protein and calories too quickly. I tried for the weight loss ratio and the reduced protein ratio (and then tried to reduce calories) all at the same time, which is ridiculous and nowhere is it stated in the books that you should do that. That is not Optimal Nutrition as Kwasniewski describes it. I think I was trying to be too efficient and ended up sabotaging myself.

Right now, I'm just trying to do it right. It's time I actually followed this diet properly, if I'm claiming to be on it. I always worried about not limiting calories because I've been concerned that my hunger will take over and I'll gain weight, but if Kwasniewski's right, I should be able to just listen to my body and will slowly lose the weight I need to lose. I'm trying to just stick to the proper 'weight loss' ratio - including the increased protein - and then eat as much as I feel I need. Last night I was feeling very hungry at around 9:30 or 10 pm and trying to resist eating, but then decided that I should just eat something - not enough to stuff myself, of course, but enough so that my thyroid didn't start to get sluggish from being hungry all the time.

We'll see. Too bad the books aren't a bit more detailed in that department - it would erase a hell of a lot of confusion. I think that Kwasniewski likes to be a bit mysterious, though. He likes the idea of people arguing over what they think he means by this or that, just like Rabbis argue over different parts of the Torah!

*Edited in January 2008 to add: Notice that I'm questioning Failsafe, feeling good on dairy and aminey foods all because it's in the middle of summer and I'm able to tolerate those things better!

Hypoglycemia and the Ketogenic Diet

Foods Eaten: egg yolks; clarified butter; lard; brie cheese; 35% cream; instant coffee; chicken stock; duck fat; chicken
Cal: 1951 Fat: 168 g Carb: 13 g Fibre: 0 g (wow, I think that's a first) Protein: 94 g
Weight: 156 lbs

It occurs to me that I don't think I've ever really successfully gotten into ketosis. I have bad breath almost all the time, (or at least I think I do - no one's ever complained, but I often have a stale taste in my mouth) so it's impossible for me to know whether it's ketones, or just bacteria. I ordered ketones strips online once, ages ago, and tried them and even when I was very very low carb, I never lost weight and the sticks never turned colour unless I hadn't eaten in hours and hours. I think I have a hard time getting into ketosis at all. I have no idea why. But I'm going to try again. This time with a higher level of fat and less protein than I've ever tried before, which may help my cause.

It also occurs to me that I've never trialled dairy in a ketotic state. Most of the symptoms I get from dairy are hypoglycemic ones (and the resulting irritability). I wonder if on a ketogenic diet I'd tolerate dairy better because my mood would be better and I'd be less likely to get all hypoglygemic and anxious. It's worth a try! I'll reintroduce full fat cream and cheese only, but no milk or half and half cream or lighter cheeses like cheddar. I hope it works, because it could mean I could have optimal ice cream again (with no sugar, of course... but still - yay!). Oh my GOD I hope it works. I miss cream!

Feeling OK

Foods Eaten: Egg yolks; eggs; clarified butter; lard; cashews; veal stock; duck fat; chicken; leeks
Cal: 1495 Fat: 129 g Carb: 15 g Fibre: 1 g Protein: 70 g
Weight: 156.5 lbs

Surprisingly I'm not in a bad mood. Considering all the crap I've been eating, I thought I'd be in hell by now, but today I was in a positive mood all day long. Yesterday, too. Strange!

Aftermath continued

Foods Eaten: egg yolks; clarified butter; regular butter; sushi rice (with sugar and vinegar); vegetable oil; salmon, raw; fatty tuna; raw; tobiko; mayonnaise; nori; yellowtail, raw
Cal: 1466 Fat: 81 g Carb: 134 g Fibre: 0 g Protein: 49 g
Weight:156 lbs

The avalanche continues, as well. Sushi for dinner. I avoided soy sauce, at least.

Aftermath

Foods Eaten: eggs; egg yolks; clarified butter; maple syrup; chicken; veal stock; duck fat; chicken wings; breaded and deep-fried versions of all the following: mushrooms, zucchini, jalapenos, mozzarella sticks; chocolate
Cal: 2470 Fat: 185 g Carb: 64 g Fibre: 5 g Protein: 141 g
Weight: 153.5 lbs

Ugh - slept horribly last night. Tossed and turned and felt a bit sick in the night (from the wine). Felt so full that I could barely stay asleep. I was also hot and uncomfortable. But boy was that meal gorgeous. It was almost worth the distress.

My mood was not so chipper today. Had a lovely picnic in the park with A. around noon, but while shopping for the food in the morning, almost had a bit of a meltdown due to the stress of the crowds.

On a really positive note, the indiscretions of last night seem to have lead to an avalanche of horrible eating. Tonight I went to a buck and doe for a friend and ate copious amounts of deep-fried breaded msg-laden junk. What was I thinking?? For foie gras, I'd risk it. For jalepeno poppers?? Whyyyyyy??!!

Just in time...

... for my pig-out, I've woken up and finally dropped a tiny bit of weight. Don't worry - I intend on putting it all back on tonight. I think I've decided to have the tasting menu, but avoid alcohol, which always seems to compound any eating indiscretions by 1000000%.

Foods Eaten: chicken with breading (probably containing msg) at work lunch; butter; potatoes; bottled salad dressing; mince; hemp seeds; cashews; raisin bread; pan-seared foie gras with pommegranate syrup; fennel and celery sorbet; black cod on brandade with beurre blanc; spinach; passion fruit bread pudding; chipotle ice cream; salted caramel mousse; chocolate cake; passion fruit panna cotta; banana chocolate bread pudding; grapefruit salad with sabayon; chocolate and rosewater creme brulee; half bottle of red wine

Cal: 2215 Fat: 127 g Carb: 133 g Fibre: 8 g Protein: 83 g Alcohol: 33 g
Weight: 154 lbs

Liver!

Foods Eaten: Clarified butter; lard; eggs; egg yolks; dark chocolate (only about 5 g); duck confit; pate de foie gras; celery; cashew (only 1)
Cal: 1685 Fat: 144 g Carbs: 17 g Fibre: 1 g Protein: 79 g
Weight: 155.5 lbs

My liver craving has culminated in me going to a very high-end butcher shop and buying some foie gras! Oh my God was it good. While I was there, I also picked up some confit (they had it prepared and packaged (ingredients: duck leg, duck fat, salt and pepper). I'm sure the pre-packaging meant a lot of amines and there was pepper in it, but it was so good and so 'optimally' perfect, I really couldn't give a crap. I'd do it again!

Speaking of not giving a crap, my sweetheart has been given a gift of a $200 dinner at the restaurant of his choice. It has had me torn, but it's not often that I get to splurge in an expensive restaurant... partially because of cost, but mostly because I can't bring myself to cheat on purpose! This way, it's like I'm being forced into it :) We've planned to go tomorrow night and I'm still debating whether I should go just say 'to hell with it' and really enjoy whatever I'd like (with wine, which will kill me, I'm sure), or if I should try to at least stick to an optimal style diet but just cave in a bit on the Failsafe part of things. It is a French restaurant, which means that I probably could stay optimal if I really really tried hard at it and avoided things on my plate.

This sort of thing is so hard for me. I'm a chef, for Christ's sake. Eating and food is the absolute utter love of my life. I want so badly to just enjoy a full meal, the way the chef intended it to be eaten. Honestly, I want to have the tasting menu, which is, apparently, incredible at this restaurant. But then it really is a crapshoot. You never know what you'll get. They also have - get this - a seven course dessert. Seven fucking courses. Oh. My. God. I want it!

Even though they're puitting themselves at risk for a host of diseases by eating carb-laden foods all the time and straining their bodies, I do envy runners. They have such a high metabolism that they can eat whatever they like in any amount and still stay so slim. I know several of them. They eat like pigs and drink their faces off on a daily basis but are almost underweight, simply because they are 'addicted' to running 10 km or more a day. I can't run for more than one minute straight. Maybe I'll eat the tasting menu tomorrow, then try to work out really hard the next day to make up for it? Ugh, that sounds horrible. I'll decide tomorrow.

Foods Eaten: Egg yolks; clarified butter; lard; potatoes
Cal: 1545 Fat: 132 g Carb: 47 g Fibre: 4 g Protein: 41 g
Weight: 156 lbs

Cravings

Foods Eaten: Egg yolks; eggs; clarified butter; lard; rice flour; lard; chicken stock; chicken; potatoes
Cal: 1438 Fat: 135 g Carb: 20 g Fibre: 1 g Protein: 38 g
Weight: 156 lbs

I've been craving liver lately. Part of me tells me that my body needs it, seeing as it contains so many vital nutrients. Unfortunately, it also contains amines. Not sure how to handle this one yet. I had some bone broth yesterday because I was craving that and so far I'm OK. Of course, amines usually take a day or two to have their effect on me. I just feel like it's so counter productive that some of the most nutrient-rich foods are full of amines. And pork? The most suitable meat for human consumption, in Dr. Jan Kwasniewski's opinion, but full of amines that make me cranky. Do I sacrifice my health for my emotional well-being?

In Optimal Nutrition Dr. K even recommends that meat should be aged well before eaten - preferably turning brown. Either that or pickled, cured or processed in some way. He doesn't say why specifically, but I'm sure it's to do with his theory (that he mentions elsewhere in the book) that one shouldn't waste the body's energy breaking down foods if one can do it in advance in the kitchen, which is why everything should be well cooked/processed before eating. And I have to agree with his logic. Why on earth wouldn't it make sense for humans to function well on aged or slightly rotting meat? In a natural setting, pre-dating refrigerators, there would be lots of instances when meat would have to be consumed in a less-than-fresh state, or would have to be preserved (dried, cured, pickled) in some way, rather than go bad. People have been eating that way for millennia. It seems odd that the human body would react so poorly to amines when it is likely that one would be eating amine-rich foods on a semi-frequent basis.

By the way, when I ate chocolate I had no real ill-effects, except my forehead broke out in a rash. I find the vast array of symptoms that all these food chemicals cause almost amusing. It's like a guessing game... trying to figure out what horrible thing will pop up from this food or that food. Either way, I've been very bad lately and I must get back on track. I've also decided to give up methyl donors for now. Something tells me they're not making a positive difference in me and the time when I felt best on Failsafe was before I reintroduced supplements. I will continue to take Vitamin C and my calcium/magnesium/vit. D supplement, due to the lack of dairy in my diet. I may also continue the selenium, zinc and manganese, but I haven't decided yet.

Feeling Better

Foods Eaten: Egg yolks; clarified butter; rice flour; egg; maple syrup; potatoes; cashews; beef bone stock; green beans; cabbage; carrot; sunflower oil; plain unglazed doughnut; toffee
Cal: 2321 Fat: 190 g Carb: 111 g Fibre: 12 g Protein: 57 g
Weight 154 lbs


My attitude is definitely improving. Must be all the carbs.

Craptastic

Foods Eaten: egg yolks; potatoes; clarified butter; rice flour; plain unglazed doughnut; gin
Cal: 1799 Fat: 127 g Carb: 99 g Fibre: 7 g Protein: 33 g
Weight: 155 lbs

All my indiscretions are catching up with me now. I feel totally depressed. Last night I had quite possibly the biggest fight ever with my partner (for stupid reasons, of course). I'm also gaining weight, despite totally reasonable calories. Really smart on your only long weekend in ages, Annabelle. Way to enjoy your time off. Well done.

I need to just recharge and enjoy this weekend. And if that means relaxing a bit about this stupid diet, then so be it.

It has not escaped me...

... that the moment I started eating dairy again, my self-control went straight out the window. Chocolate?? I hadn't eaten chocolate in 2 months (which is a miracle in itself), but I started hoovering it down last night for little to no reason. I'm exhausted today. And cranky.

Foods Eaten: cashews; clarified butter; eggs; potatoes (with peel); egg yolk; butter (not clarified); potato chips (5); rice flour; maple syrup
Cal: 1768 Fat: 155 g Carb: 53 g Fibre: 3 g Protein: 47 g
Weight: 154.5 lbs

Yeah... I can't have dairy.

Foods Eaten: 6% fat sheep's milk yogurt; spelt biscotti (1 bite); cashews; chicken; potatoes; butter; hemp seeds; cabbage; chocolate truffles (2); 85% cocoa chocolate
Cal: 1824 Fat: 134 g Carb: 79 g Fibre: 12 g Protein: 84 g
Weight: 154 lbs

I think trial number three has confirmed it. No dairy for Annabelle. Stomach cramps, major biotchiness, increased hunger. Yeah, I think I'm done with it. I even tried full fat sheep's milk yogurt (with 6% fat and absolutely no additives) earlier today and ended up having to run to the toilet within about 3 hours of eating it. I'd even put up with the gastric distress, but the biotch part is totally unacceptable, seeing as I live with someone who is incredibly nice to me 99.9% of the time and being a c-word to him isn't exactly the best way to pay him back.

This is devastating on almost every level. I mean, I can do it. I've given up practically everything else, haven't I? It's not the giving up yet another thing... it's the fact that it's dairy. I love dairy. I absolutely love it. I dream about cream. I f*cking dream about it.

In other news, I have no idea what to eat anymore. I am so sick of chicken, cabbage, sprouts, eggs and green beans!! Lamb is never something I crave more than once or twice a month. I would love to just have a salad. Or a nice steak. Or a bunless burger with grilled peppers and asparagus on the side. Or a nice homemade soup with real bone stock. Or even tuna! Tuna, for Christ's sake! All the stuff I use to eat. Waaaaaaaaaaaah! In my desperate need for variety, I've found myself 'cheating' with foods that I know probably aren't failsafe. Hemp seeds? What on earth would possess me to eat them, if not desperation? I ate a bite of a lovely spiced biscotti today that was made with spelt flour. It was almost like the fact that it wasn't wheat was so encouraging for me that I decided to ignore that it also had cinnamon (and probably nutmeg and cloves), olive oil and walnuts in it. I'm thinking one bite won't make that bit of an impact, but I shouldn't be mucking around with that stuff either way. AAAARRRRRRRRRRR! Before, if I had a sweets craving, I would just have strawberries and whipped cream...

I just want to eat something comforting and familiar. In times like this, I use to turn to dairy - but now what? Here's praying I don't sit down to a massive bowl of steamed rice at midnight tonight.

Foods Eaten: Cabbage; clarified butter; eggs; chicken; green beans; 3.8% cow's milk yogurt; creme fraiche
Cal: 1492 Fat: 126 g Carb: 32 g Fibre: 4 g Protein: 61 g
Weight: 154.5 lbs

Foods Eaten: cashews; eggs; clarif. butter; green beans; chicken; creme fraiche; full fat yogurt
Cal: 1425 Fat: 115 g Carb: 36 g Fibre: 4 g Protein: 65 g
Weight: 154.5 lbs

Spontaneously decided to do yet another dairy trial, this time with fermented dairy only. For some reason I just refuse to believe that I can't have dairy. Had some gastric upset just after eating it, but that could have been brought on psychologically. Otherwise, fine, so far.

Foods Eaten: cashews; decaf coffee; eggs; clarif. butter; cabbage; chicken; green beans; lard; puffed corn
Cal: 1528 Fat 131 g Carb: 30 g Fibre: 7 g Protein: 67 g
Weight: 152.5 lbs

Foods Eaten: Decaf coffee; eggs; potato homefries (with mystery seasoning); butter; rice flour shortbread; egg yolks; lard; clarif. butter; chicken
Cal: 1526 Fat: 114 g Carb: 41 g Fibre: 3 g Protein: 81 g
Weight: 153.5 lbs

Foods Eaten: cabbage; eggs; egg yolks; clarif. butter; lard; rice flour shortbread; cashews; chicken
Cal: 1648 Fat: 145 g Carb: 29 g Fibre: 3 g Protein: 58 g
Weight: 153.5 lbs

Foods Eaten: Decaf coffee; cabbage; clarif. butter; eggs; egg yolks; lard; rice flour shortbread; cashews; vodka; rice dream; hemp seeds
Cal: 1982 Fat: 161 g Carb: 56 g Fibre: 5 g Protein: 38 g
Weight: 153 lbs

Cranky and Pensive

Foods Eaten: Cabbage; sunflower oil; decaf coffee; eggs; egg yolks; clarified butter; cashews; rice flour shortbread; chicken
Cal: 2324 Fat: 210 g Carb: 65 g Fibre: 19 g Protein:61 g
Weight:153 lbs

I'm a bit cranky this morning. Part of it is that I'm a bit angry with my partner, for silly reasons, but I'm pretty sure the main reason is because of the pork I ate last night. I haven't really eaten pork on Failsafe because of the amines in it, but I still eat lard, which doesn't seem to give me a problem. Currently, my supplement regime includes the following: methylcobalamin, B6, Manganese, selenium, zinc, calcium/magnesium (2:1) with Vitamin D added, L-Methionine, TMG, SAMe, ascorbic acid buffered with a bit of sodium bicarbonate and occasional epsom salts baths for sulphate. My molybdenum seems to be 'on delay' from nutrimedical.com. I should be receiving it next week, hopefully.

Unfortunately, not being an academic of any kind, I'm probably not doing a very good job of researching this diet to the fullest. I giggled at Emma's last post because I am the first person to admit that I'm a 'working class, uneducated' person who happens to take my health very seriously and has a voracious appetite for learning. I've encountered a significant amount of prejudice regarding my level of education (I'm a graduate of Chef school, which was a diploma course, not a proper university degree), which I paid for myself and never had any help of any kind - not even from the government. I've learned to shrug others' opinions off, since I've actually done very well in my career, considering my age and I could give a f*ck what insecure little shits with tiny cocks (like Nathan Thomas) think. There are a lot of people out there like him and the best way to deal with them is to ignore them and go about your business, whatever that business may be. And since the best revenge is living well, I dedicate my spare time to figuring out how I can live best, especially in the arena of health.

But... because of my lack of education (not a lack of intelligence, mind you), I keep wondering if I'm missing a big key to what might make me feel good all the time, instead of just some of the time. Sometimes I feel like I've found 'the answer' but every process in the body is so tied up with so many other processes in this incredibly complex web that each time I trial a different vitamin or mineral or dietary combination, it ends up causing a cascade of events that goes well beyond what I can easily understand. I'm realising that there is no one magic answer to any of this. It's a crazy balance that can fall apart at any time. Now, I'm starting to become less and less concerned with my weight and more concerned with all the other health effects that my diet and supplement regimen might provide for me (protection from diseases like cancer and heart disease and an improved mental and emotional state).

I enjoy researching diet and science and, for the most part, I'm quite thorough with it. But having stopped taking any form of chemistry or biology after my last year of high school, my level of comprehension drops off pretty early on in the research process. I start reading about neurotransmitters and nucleotides and chemical pathways and I just start feeling like I'm trying to read Greek. Although, even a Ph.D (from Cambridge) probably wouldn't solve this particular problem. From what I've read, most scientists are pretty confused about all this stuff too. And many of them are twits, to boot. Are you listening, Nathan? I'm talking about guys like you.

Being your own patient (or researching on behalf of a loved one) definitely removes your objectivity, but it also fuels your research with a level of thoroughness and passion that a researcher might not otherwise have. I feel like if anyone will make a huge discovery in science, it will probably someone who really cares, not some detached researcher.

I do wonder if I'm becoming obsessed with all of this and I do really really miss being able to just eat something from a restaurant or going to a friend's place for dinner without it being a big giant humiliating, 'hey look at me, I'm a freak' experience. I never realised how easy things were when all I had to worry about was carbs.

Phew!

Foods Eaten: Decaf coffee (instant); eggs; egg yolks; clarified butter; cashews; homemade coleslaw (cabbage, tiny bit of carrot, citric acid, garlic, green onion; sunflower oil, salt, potassium salt); pork ribs; rice flour shortbread (clarified butter; rice flour, tiny bit of sugar)
Cal: 1579 F: 138 g Carb: 44 g Fibre: 8 g Protein: 48 g
Weight: 153.5 g

I've just updated this blog after much neglect. I didn't go into great detail, but it's important to me that I at least record what I've eaten and any odd symptoms that might crop up so that I don't wonder later on down the road why I'm experiencing one thing or another. I may not always be as diligent, but for now, I think I'll keep doing it. It keeps me accountable! Part of what has kept me from blogging is that work is INSANE right now. I've been incredibly busy and have barely had time to just sit down and relax at home, let alone start writing.

On to other things. My stomach was still a bit crampy this morning, but feels pretty good now. Not sure what that was all about. My head feels better too, if not still a tiny bit tender. I haven't had a headache like that in ages. It was not pleasant. I've never been a migraine sufferer, but I can't describe it any other way. Constant throbbing pain, accompanied by nausea and exhaustion and a need to just lie down very still in a dark room. I almost called in sick from work, both yesterday and the day before, but didn't because there's too much going on right now and I can't afford to not be here. Looks like I've weathered the storm, though. I've been a bit lazy with Vitamin C lately, so I need to start having it more often again.

Foods Eaten: cashews; eggs; egg yolks; clarified butter; chicken; decaf coffee; cabbage; tiny bit of carrot; homemade rice flour shortbread (one tiny piece)
Cal: 1587 F: 145 g Carb: 24 g Fibre: 8 g Pro: 54 g
Weight: 155.5 lbs

The past few days are being written in retrospect. Still had the headache from yesterday for most of the day. Reminds me of the headache I had when I was originally detoxing on Failsafe. Ugh. Feel good mentally - happy - just in a lot of pain. Barely had any appetite - ate breakfast at about 11:30 am, then not again until about 8 pm. Then felt nausea and had the runs in the evening. Went to bed exhausted and nauseated at about 11:30 pm. Ugh.

Oh by the way, I bought some SAMe at the health food store and started taking that on Saturday. You're supposed to take one tablet, twice a day, for the first 3 weeks, then just one per day after that, "or as directed by a health practitioner". I certainly don't feel like it's hurting. Aside from that killer headache from those fumes, I've felt pretty darn good for the last few days.

Foods Eaten: clarified butter; eggs; egg yolks; cashews; chicken; cabbage; tiny bit of carrot; sunflower oil; citric acid; potato; rice flour
Cal: 1816 F: 162 g Carb: 53 g Fibre: 12 g Pro: 46 g
Weight:155.5 lbs

Had some friends over tonight and watched movies in the evening but was still suffering from a horrible migraine-style headache that had manifested part way through the afternoon for the whole night. Oh my God, the pain. Earlier that day someone had burned a plastic pot handle on the stove and the fumes were everywhere. I blame that.

Foods Eaten: decaf coffee; eggs; egg yolks; clarified butter; chicken; potatoes; cashews
Cal: 1758 F:148 g Carb:54 g Fibre: 5 g Pro: 60 g
Weight: 155 lbs

Foods Eaten: cashews; eggs; cabbage; clarified butter; egg yolks; chicken; potatoes
Calories: 1758 Fat: 158 g Carb: 45 g Fibre: 7 g Protein: 48 g
Weight:154.5 lbs

Saturday!

Foods Eaten: Rice flour; clarified butter; white rice; cabbage; potatoes; lard; cashews; green beans; eggs; Rice Dream; egg yolks
Calories: 2542 Fat: 199 g Carb: 152 g Fibre: 11 g Protein: 47 g
Weight:152.5 lbs

Yesterday was my first day off in 14 days. And it really wasn't a day off - I spent the whole day Spring cleaning my apartment, on my hands and knees, scooping dust bunnies out from under my bed with my bare hands. I'd rather be at work than do that, but it had to be done. And now I'm freeeeeee! Next week is going to be a long and stressful one, so I'm going to try to enjoy this weekend for all it's worth.

This morning I feel a bit better. I definitely feel like I have a low grade cold going on, but it's totally manageable so far. I'll just take lots of vitamin C. I never remember to take the old one-gram-per-hour that I've heard recommended, but I'll take it when I remember to.

Getting sick

Foods Eaten: Egg yolks; egg; potatoes; clarified butter; lard; cashews; chicken; cabbage; tiny bit of carrot; rice flour
Calories: 2237 Fat: 200 g Carb: 61 g Fibre: 10 g Protein: 57 g
Weight:153.5 lbs

I feel sick today - my ears are still bothering me, my throat is tingling/sore and I just have that about-to-get-a-cold feeling. I feel good otherwise, though. Happy and relaxed. Yay. My hunger is still beyond normal. I'm eating high calories but adequate carb and lower protein until it goes back to normal.

Another symptom

Foods Eaten: Eggs; potatoes, clarified butter; egg yolks; chicken; Brussels sprouts; lard; cashews; hemp ice cream
Calories: 2249 Fat: 208 g Carb: 51 g Fibre: 11 g Protein: 55 g
Weight:153.5 lbs

I forgot to mention... When I was working this past weekend, I was in a giant building and I kept having the strange sensation that I was in an airplane - my ears kept popping! They were also ringing quite a bit and my hearing would come in and out. Now they are very sore and itchy inside. Right now I'm in a bit of agony, actually, as they feel totally inflamed and itchy and painful and every time I try to scratch them I just make it worse or I can't reach the itch. I wonder if I have an ear infection? I don't usually have one in both ears, though. Strange and horrible.

Still hungry

So I've decided that I should stop trying to cut calories until I'm clear again and my hunger is back under control. No point in suffering and risking a binge, which I feel very prone to right now. I'm going to keep carbs and protein as low as I can and do a bit of a fat-feast to get my metabolism back working the way it should.

I've been craving coconut lately. I would kill for a coconut smoothie or to make my own 'ice cream' with coconut milk instead of cream, but it has salicylates and amines in it. Grrr. I may trial it one day, anyway, just to see how I tolerate it. Not anytime soon, though!

So hungry

Foods Eaten Today: Eggs; clarified butter; potatoes; chicken; lard; green onions; cabbage; tiny bit of carrot (1 tsp.?); peeled pear; cashews; decaffeinated coffee (must stop drinking coffee!!!!)
Calories: 1784 Fat: 153 g Carb: 62 g Fibre: 13 g Protein: 50 g
Weight: 153.5 lbs

Foods Eaten Yesterday: Eggs; egg yolks; clarified butter; celery; cashews; non-dairy hemp ice cream; chicken fat; chicken; lard; green cabbage; tiny bit of carrot; decaffeinated coffee
Calories: 1556 Fat: 135 g Carb: 35 g Fibre: 9 g Protein: 56 g
Weight:154 lbs

I have been so hungry lately. It's out of control. I've been trying to reduce calories a bit, but it's not working - my hunger and cravings are insane. Now part of it may be from a new thing I tried yesterday - it was really strange and probably full of salicylates, but I was dying for dairy and had to have something to replace it. I tried this non-dairy hemp seed ice cream thing - no additives or flavourings, but hemp seeds may not be failsafe for all I know. I can't find any information on salicylate or amine levels. I do know that they have a good EFA balance. Anyway, I only had a very small portion but it was full of sugar, so that could have been the problem. I won't be making that mistake again, anyway. It tasted like ground-up hippies.

I must stop drinking decaf coffee. I'm totally addicted to it and I keep letting in creep into my diet because I convince myself that black decaf coffee "can't be that bad". It's probably contributing to my hunger too, for all I know.

Early Riser

Funny thing is that I've been so busy lately and barely felt like I have enough hours in the day to do all the things I have to do, but the one consolation is that I've suddenly become an early riser, which has given me a slight advantage. I've NEVER been a morning person, but in the last 5 days or so, I've been naturally waking up around 6:30 am, awake and alert. It's a nice change!

Anyway, on to other things. I haven't been very responsible diet-wise in the last couple of days. First those candied nuts, then I went to my brother's for a Beltaine supper last night. I mean, I don't regret it (not yet, anyway) because I had an amazing time and the food was so good, but still. I kept pretty failsafe but my ON ratios went straight out the window, plus I had wheat and dairy, which I am paying for right now.

Foods eaten yesterday: Eggs; egg yolks; clarified butter; Romaine lettuce; raw cashews... good up to this point... then things went tits up: safflower oil; huge thick sirloin steak, cooked medium-rare; garlic; salt; black pepper; cabbage; tiny bit of carrot; leeks; green beans; one mouthful of red-skinned potato; 2 cups black decaf coffee; shortbread cookies; vanilla ice cream

Calories: 2323 Fat: 172 g Carbs: 114 g Fibre: 14 g Protein: 89 g
Weight: 153.5 lbs (gained a pound and a half after a lot of calories and carbs yesterday from the candied nuts)

So last night, as soon as I finished the scoop of ice cream, I had to run to the bathroom to have the most painful gastro-intestinal distress I've had in a good while. I am still cramping as we speak. This morning I was another half pound heavier (I'm actually surprised the damage wasn't worse, but I guess having the runs has made me lose some water). I suspect my weight may rise a bit more tomorrow. Because I had both dairy and wheat, I'm not sure which one caused the stomach reaction, but I'm guessing it was both.

I'm not exactly sure the best way to handle a situation like this - I always wonder if it's best to gradually reduce calories back down to what I was eating, so that I don't go into serious food/carb withdrawal and risk a binge, or if I should immediately try to get right back on the lower calorie, very low carb bandwagon and just practice as much willpower as possible. We'll see. Right now my stomach hurts so bad, food is the last thing on my mind. Aaaaahhhhhhrrrrrr the cramping!! I feel like someone is stabbing me in the stomach and slowly twisting the knife.